Friday, December 6, 2013

Day 15 -- Desire

Maybe this is how it starts.

Or how it ends.

It is unseasonably warm here. I've had all the doors and windows opened today. Tonight, I'm on my deck with a little fire in my chiminea. I have Captain Morgan keeping me company. He's a dangerous companion. 

This numbs me. I know how bad that is. But my heart is going to burst. And for now I need to contain.

Maintain. 

I wish...

Oh I wish...

But wishes are for children and the stars are hiding behind the clouds. 

Desire is a word that I'm seeing around a lot. A friend asked, "Isn't desire necessary for life to go on?"

Desire.

"A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen."

The Halloween flag is still hanging. Thanksgiving has past. Holy days for many are coming. Even I recognize this time as holy as I light my solstice bonfire and open my doors to my loved ones. But desire is teasing me and distracting me. From preparing. 

I bumped into something I think I want. But is that what I desire? Or had my desire been awakened at the same time this came into my path?  But when we want something that belongs to someone else, is that not covetous? Oh how I hate archaic, biblical words. But that is what it is. 

Would I steal or tarnish the object so that the rightful owner no longer cares for it? That is sad. And not loving or caring. I've never been truly evil. No matter how many times I've been called a tool of Satan. 

Preparing was my word for this year. I have done little in the way of preparing. Maybe I have done much, as sometimes the largest portion of the work is in preparing the mind. And heart. My heart is not prepared. But mentally, I'm almost there. 

Desire feels like my 2014 word. I'm going to play with it until the new year. If nothing else shows up, then so be it. 

Desire. 

I'm sure you can tell by all the songs that have been drifting through, that melancholy has come for a visit. This little anti-friend has perched himself on my shoulder and is a constant nag. He reminds me of my loneliness. He taunts me. He points out my flaws. 

He whispers, "It's not real. All in your head. Esoteric. Get real!"

He's like the heartless jack o' lantern on my Halloween flag. Grinning. Laughing. Flapping even though he doesn't belong. It's not his season. He needs to be boxed up. Put away. 

Maybe this is the end. And the beginning. I must prepare. The garden needs to be turned over. The compost needs stirring. The bulbs need covered. The winter is coming. It's going to be cold and everything needs to be winterized. Preparing. Dying. And when the days begin to lengthen, the icy ground will thaw. And be ready.

I know the Captain is having his way with Me. So I'm going to put this post to rest for the night. Otherwise, it's going to become full of profanity and tears. 

Good night.

On the radio as I write:




Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

2 comments:

Red Shoes said...

Hey you...

It's stupidly cold here!!! It's been a wet, cold, icy weekend here in the Mississippi Delta...

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

One has to be careful of ol' Captain Morgan... that rascal...

OK... I am curious... what do you covet that another has? Someone had to ask.

Personally, I think profanity and tears beat the Hell out of a gross amount of indifferent that I... er... some of us seem to have mustered.

~shoes~

K. said...

Oh Shoes,

It was just a short spell of warm... the temps are dropping here and promise to get colder this week!

Fortunately (unfortunately??) the captain did not leave me with a hangover... although I think I did end up crying. And I may have said fuck a couple of times.

Someone knows. I'm sure you can guess... but that is a conversation for another day... and another visit with Capt. Morgan.

:0)