Tuesday, December 24, 2013

'Twas the Day Before...

From my 2013 Solstice Bonfire
It has been a surreal holiday. This may be the first year all the purchases are made and are wrapped and under the tree. I had family over on the 21st for the Solstice and I did not kill myself cleaning. It was not perfect. But it was good enough. My house, even now, is a bit tousled... and it is okay.

I'm still experiencing some personal heartbreak. Pandora radio has been my constant companion throughout this time. I had a shopping day on Friday. On my last stop at the grocery store, I had a bit of a meltdown. The tears came uninvited. I managed to contain the heaving sobs until I got to my car.

"It's like having piece of big fruit and then, after realizing how tasty it is and how much you have missed something this juicy and wonderful, you realize that this piece of fruit is rotten...

I don't really know how to move on from this craving for something... because in reality, this particular something is so reprehensible to me; the ignorance and narrow-mindedness... But the desire and the craving and the jealousy… it makes me cry. I feel used… like the inside of my heart and my mind has been invaded and now pieces are missing...

What was I thinking? Am I'm so callous and unaffected that I cannot be hurt?

I did not think it would be this hard. I did worry about "collateral damage", but I forgot that I can be hurt too.

And it does hurt. It hurts like hell. It is time for a break. Time to stop... I won't be someone's entertainment."

So, here I am... the day before Christmas... all through the house, my children are nosing under the tree, I have to make a quick grocery for a few items for dinner with the family tonight and breakfast tomorrow... I have a wee bit of cooking to do today. My heart is tender. But I am learning. Always learning.

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Sometimes it just isn't enough... and the bends eventually break. It isn't all in my mind... and it isn't fine. This is happening...

PS... I promise I'll be out of this funk by 2014.

1 comment:

Red Shoes said...

"It was not perfect. But it was good enough. My house, even now, is a bit tousled... and it is okay."

This really is ok...

Merry Christmas, you... for what you have done,and what you have put into this holiday.