|From my 2013 Solstice Bonfire|
I'm still experiencing some personal heartbreak. Pandora radio has been my constant companion throughout this time. I had a shopping day on Friday. On my last stop at the grocery store, I had a bit of a meltdown. The tears came uninvited. I managed to contain the heaving sobs until I got to my car.
"It's like having piece of big fruit and then, after realizing how tasty it is and how much you have missed something this juicy and wonderful, you realize that this piece of fruit is rotten...
I don't really know how to move on from this craving for something... because in reality, this particular something is so reprehensible to me; the ignorance and narrow-mindedness... But the desire and the craving and the jealousy… it makes me cry. I feel used… like the inside of my heart and my mind has been invaded and now pieces are missing...
What was I thinking? Am I'm so callous and unaffected that I cannot be hurt?
I did not think it would be this hard. I did worry about "collateral damage", but I forgot that I can be hurt too.
And it does hurt. It hurts like hell. It is time for a break. Time to stop... I won't be someone's entertainment."
So, here I am... the day before Christmas... all through the house, my children are nosing under the tree, I have to make a quick grocery for a few items for dinner with the family tonight and breakfast tomorrow... I have a wee bit of cooking to do today. My heart is tender. But I am learning. Always learning.
You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again
Sometimes it just isn't enough... and the bends eventually break. It isn't all in my mind... and it isn't fine. This is happening...
PS... I promise I'll be out of this funk by 2014.