Sunday, January 19, 2014

Ever feel...

...deflated?

How long can you keep up the happy face?

Pink is on the soundtrack in my head this morning. This is the song that woke me up... it has reduced me to sobby crying.



Monday, January 6, 2014

Enter the Year 2014

No big resolutions or (or revolutions as my kids say)... I have several intentions and focuses and hopes and dreams for this year. If I resolve to do anything, that is to enter each day as a new day.

I've spent almost a month in semi-seclusion. I've done my normal chores and done things with my family... but as for going out with friends, I've really not. And that is most unusual for me. I've declined coffee and lunches and avoided calls and texts. But next week, I am going to have to re-enter society whether I like it or not.

It's been a good time... I threw a great Solstice Party for my family:













Then there was Christmas... lowkey, but most of the players (my son's girlfriend didn't get to join us) were there. Then we went out for a movie (The Hobbit) and dinner (Chinese).









On the 30th, I celebrated 23 years with my husband. We spent the day in Charlotte, a nice lunch, riding around on the Lynx Light Rail, shopping at IKEA...









Of course there was New Year!! The boys and I rang it in with Sparkling Cider... I made all the traditional dishes; Hoppin' John, collard greens, corn bread and pork loin... along with homemade macaroni and cheese just because my guys like it. I also did a small "releasing" ceremony...









Yesterday, I did a little "candle spell". I know some of this stuff just sounds hokey and superstitious. However, I find it no more superstitious than forming prayers to some unknowable deity or reading a text that is supposedly infallible and has "all things that pertain unto life and godliness". And I've decided if I'm going to interpret or misinterpret divinity, it is going to have to be something within me. Otherwise, I feel I am just abdicating personal responsibility.







I have taken a long break from the Sunday Morning Newsies. I will probably begin watching them again with some regularity, and I've already begun to catch up on my favorite podcasts:

Best of the Left

Rachel Maddow

And my newest favorite egg-headish type podcast:

The Partially Examined Life Philosophy Podcast

As for my intentions, I have realized just how disconnected my head and heart are. I've whined and moaned here for the past couple of months about a particular heartache. I (don't quiet) understand that this broken connection is partially to blame for the ache I have (am) experiencing. I am going to try to reconnect these two emotional organs in the early part of this year. I recognize that this may mean tears (something I hate to do almost as much as I hate vomiting), it may mean voicing opinions that I've swallowed (along with food and alcohol) and making others angry or uncomfortable with me (too bad).

Another thing I want to focus and dream about is discovering passion. I want to know what I want and what I want to do. I want to be filled with excitement and a reason to get up and get out.

So that's what's up with me.

Happy New Year!!


Thursday, December 26, 2013

Breaking It Down...

"I'm caught up in the middle but I'm taken to the end
Its coming back together and its breaking down again"
(Through the Glass Darkly)

It's the day after... and I made it. I feel relief that I didn't have many snafus or breakdowns. There is still paper and ribbon all over, dishes from yesterday, an unmade bed and completely cluttered bedroom... but it all feels very okay and normal... these things will be handled, in their time. Today is for unwinding and unraveling. Breaking it all down... all of it!

All my weeping, all my wailing
All my standing on the shelf
How am I ever gonna get through this
Back to myself again?
(Big Sky)

Cutting, gluing, writing and blogging... which is a form of prayer for me... listening to Annie Lennox's Songs of Mass Destruction. EVERY song is sacred, hymns for this process... When I get to the other side of this, it will be a sort of baptismal by fire...

"Maybe I'm still searchin' but I don't know what it means
All the fires of destruction are still burnin' in my dreams
There's no water that can wash away this longin' to come clean"
(Dark Road)

The new year is coming. This is perfect timing for clearing out the ghosts and for sweeping away those foggy cobwebs in my heart.

Annie says, "...things in life come together and then they break apart into pieces that can't be fixed..."

So true. But how often would we not change anything?? Broken pieces and all. Our true selves are revealed in our mishaps. Our deepest and darkest selves also contain our deepest and darkest dreams and fears. Sometimes they are both the same.

Darkness and light
Its whats inside
Darkness and light
Its whats inside
(Big Sky)

As a part of the most recent life lesson, I've tripped upon a well of energy that I'd forgotten about. I've had a kind of "Matrix" moment. And I remembered something about myself... and I liked it! And I don't want it to go dormant again! But how to sustain this... energy, this passion, this aliveness...

I remember places I've been to
Remember things I never knew
Remember dreams that all came true
(Coloured Bedspread)

I'm spending the final days of 2013 hiding in the darkness, cocooning myself in my kids and family, thinking about what I want and what is most important. In 2014, I am going to be very deliberate about seeking passion for my life. The dark and deep of it, the fire and ice of it, the climb to the pinnacle and the plummet when the bottom falls out. I want that, the sexiness and steaminess, and thrill, the fear...

"Even though your thrill is gone
All my feelings still remain...
I'm no longer just the same"
(Love Is Blind)

I've been through the grief and sadness... I thought about the madness, and have decided that I am quite mad. In such a good way. While I may have been angry, I now feel understanding and compassion, even for myself. Brokenness and despair can drive us to do crazy things. Yours truly, included. What I have to do now is to be fierce about protecting this well of dark energy. It can be used for destruction and it can hurt. That is why I need to be careful.

I give too much, get used too much
I lose too much, get bruised too much
I bleed too much, I need too much
I'm sleeping with the ghosts in my machine
(Ghosts In My Machine)

What else have I learned?

We are our own worst enemies and, more often than not, we victimize ourselves. It's time to realize that I'm just "addicted to the notion"... and to understand I am the only one who can "save me"... (Love is Blind)

Isn't that okay? To be our own heroes?

Something unsettling out of my skin
I don't know the reason or where to begin
Calling the circles I found myself in
(Fingernail Moon)

So that is where I am. Instead of trying to appear normal, I've withdrawn.

I've tried to blend in but it seems I don't belong
I don't know what it's coming to
But I'm looking through the glass darkly
(Through The Glass Darkly)

Strangely enough, I also feel like I'm building a protective barrier. I imagine a path, covered by thick, thorny vines. I know the secret path to get in. But I won't give the secret away. Only the truest hearts will know how to get through it... or those who are willing to fight through it.

"It's a dark road and a dark way that leads to my house
And the word says, you never gonna find me there, oh no"
(Dark Road)

There is one who has cut away most of the briers, but even she comes across a thorn or two along the way...Wildness is like that, you can't tame it.


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

'Twas the Day Before...

From my 2013 Solstice Bonfire
It has been a surreal holiday. This may be the first year all the purchases are made and are wrapped and under the tree. I had family over on the 21st for the Solstice and I did not kill myself cleaning. It was not perfect. But it was good enough. My house, even now, is a bit tousled... and it is okay.

I'm still experiencing some personal heartbreak. Pandora radio has been my constant companion throughout this time. I had a shopping day on Friday. On my last stop at the grocery store, I had a bit of a meltdown. The tears came uninvited. I managed to contain the heaving sobs until I got to my car.

"It's like having piece of big fruit and then, after realizing how tasty it is and how much you have missed something this juicy and wonderful, you realize that this piece of fruit is rotten...

I don't really know how to move on from this craving for something... because in reality, this particular something is so reprehensible to me; the ignorance and narrow-mindedness... But the desire and the craving and the jealousy… it makes me cry. I feel used… like the inside of my heart and my mind has been invaded and now pieces are missing...

What was I thinking? Am I'm so callous and unaffected that I cannot be hurt?

I did not think it would be this hard. I did worry about "collateral damage", but I forgot that I can be hurt too.

And it does hurt. It hurts like hell. It is time for a break. Time to stop... I won't be someone's entertainment."


So, here I am... the day before Christmas... all through the house, my children are nosing under the tree, I have to make a quick grocery for a few items for dinner with the family tonight and breakfast tomorrow... I have a wee bit of cooking to do today. My heart is tender. But I am learning. Always learning.



You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again



Sometimes it just isn't enough... and the bends eventually break. It isn't all in my mind... and it isn't fine. This is happening...




PS... I promise I'll be out of this funk by 2014.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Day 10 -- Looking Forward

Back in September, I started following Stargardener and her chronicle through 100 days and I decided to do my own 100 days. I'm down to the last 10 days of this countdown. Serendipitously enough, this will take me to December 20th, the day before my annual Solstice Party. I have done almost NO planning, so the next 10 days will be the preparation of the Solstice.

After that, there will only be 12 days left to the 2013 calendar! At that point, I plan on doing a 12 day countdown.

Also, I'm going to take the next 10 days to think and plan for all the things that I will be participating in in 2014 and sharing them with you.

First, I am so honored, excited and thrilled to be a part of Lisa Rough's Wild Woman Inner Circle! This begins in January. But for me, it began in June! I participated in her Great Big Summertime Hullabaloo. I didn't even know who Lisa was or what I was getting into... I just felt the need to put my words out there. To have witness to what I was going through internally. Late in June, I became aware of something called Dreamwheel Circles Workshops. It was close by, in Black Mountain, and my Spirit Sister was interested in going, also. She knew the one who led the circle... and thought it would be fun! At some point, I finally connected that this was the same woman who was doing the Summertime Hullabaloo! I went. It was wonderful. And then I signed up to do her next Dreamwheel Circle and visit her open house which all happened on the same weekend. I even began looking into all this woman was about! Well, before I even attended the open house, I knew that I was going to be a part of this tribe of women. And since the open house, I have been getting even more excited. (Here are some of the posts where I've talked about Lisa.) The Wild Woman Inner Circle is full for 2014, but getting involved in the Dreamwheel Circle Workshops is a great way to get to know this amazing lady!

Second, about a year ago, late November, I became aware of an online community of art journalers. I joined up with them and thus the passion for this form of creativity burst into life!! For 2014, I plan on getting in a little deeper!! Spectrum is "A Visual Journaling Experience celebrating your Art~Body~Nature!"

From their website:

Spectrum is a collective of 30+ holistic-minded artists, healers and visionaries that have come together to offer a 10 month online workshop in which you will create a visual field guide devoted to awakening, exploring, deepening & celebrating the innate wisdom within YOU.

What makes this even more exciting is that I KNOW some of the women who will be facilitating this online event!

Third, I am thinking about joining in on the 2014 Creative Every Day Challenge. Creative Every Day is a low pressure challenge, you don't have to post every day, and "Creativity is meant in the broadest sense, so it doesn't have to be something art related. Your creative acts could be in cooking, taking pictures, knitting, doodling, writing, dancing, decorating, singing, playing with your kids, brainstorming ideas, gardening, or making art in the form of collage, paint, or clay...or whatever!"

So that is looking forward to 2014. Also, there WILL be a graduation in May... Oh please Goddess let there be a graduation in May!! And there are other things that I'm planning in my heart and mind. But like a wonderful note I just received in the mail says, "A certain darkness is needed to see the stars." So these things will remain, ruminating, fermenting, becoming stronger and juicier.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Day 15 -- Desire

Maybe this is how it starts.

Or how it ends.

It is unseasonably warm here. I've had all the doors and windows opened today. Tonight, I'm on my deck with a little fire in my chiminea. I have Captain Morgan keeping me company. He's a dangerous companion. 

This numbs me. I know how bad that is. But my heart is going to burst. And for now I need to contain.

Maintain. 

I wish...

Oh I wish...

But wishes are for children and the stars are hiding behind the clouds. 

Desire is a word that I'm seeing around a lot. A friend asked, "Isn't desire necessary for life to go on?"

Desire.

"A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen."

The Halloween flag is still hanging. Thanksgiving has past. Holy days for many are coming. Even I recognize this time as holy as I light my solstice bonfire and open my doors to my loved ones. But desire is teasing me and distracting me. From preparing. 

I bumped into something I think I want. But is that what I desire? Or had my desire been awakened at the same time this came into my path?  But when we want something that belongs to someone else, is that not covetous? Oh how I hate archaic, biblical words. But that is what it is. 

Would I steal or tarnish the object so that the rightful owner no longer cares for it? That is sad. And not loving or caring. I've never been truly evil. No matter how many times I've been called a tool of Satan. 

Preparing was my word for this year. I have done little in the way of preparing. Maybe I have done much, as sometimes the largest portion of the work is in preparing the mind. And heart. My heart is not prepared. But mentally, I'm almost there. 

Desire feels like my 2014 word. I'm going to play with it until the new year. If nothing else shows up, then so be it. 

Desire. 

I'm sure you can tell by all the songs that have been drifting through, that melancholy has come for a visit. This little anti-friend has perched himself on my shoulder and is a constant nag. He reminds me of my loneliness. He taunts me. He points out my flaws. 

He whispers, "It's not real. All in your head. Esoteric. Get real!"

He's like the heartless jack o' lantern on my Halloween flag. Grinning. Laughing. Flapping even though he doesn't belong. It's not his season. He needs to be boxed up. Put away. 

Maybe this is the end. And the beginning. I must prepare. The garden needs to be turned over. The compost needs stirring. The bulbs need covered. The winter is coming. It's going to be cold and everything needs to be winterized. Preparing. Dying. And when the days begin to lengthen, the icy ground will thaw. And be ready.

I know the Captain is having his way with Me. So I'm going to put this post to rest for the night. Otherwise, it's going to become full of profanity and tears. 

Good night.

On the radio as I write:




Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Day 16 -- Soundtrack for the Mourning


Day 2 of living on music. Music is the language that speaks into and through and over and under and around the pain. I can listen to music and feel... like it will be okay.


It will be okay.


Today's soundtrack starts with LP. Her voice makes me want to cry.


Into the Wild

Oh please believe me I'm more scared than not that ohhhh this isn't the way
Please be there I can barely hang on but ohhh I'll wait til I break

Next track... I know I posted this yesterday, but it was on the radio again today. And it really just speaks to me... gives me hope... makes me want to roll the windows down and sing real loud!!


Unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Then Kelly Clarkson came on... Not sure I've heard this one, but I am very behind on popular music. I ususally listen to old classic rock... But here it is:


Already Gone

I want you to know
that it doesn't matter
where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
I want you to know
you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone
Already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone

There.